When I was going through my miscarriages, I was surprised by how many well-meaning comments ended up feeling really hurtful. Most of these comments came from people who truly cared and wanted to help, but we rarely talk about how these words can actually sting.
So, let’s chat about what not to say to someone who’s dealing with miscarriage or infertility. This is just my personal experience — these were comments that made me feel even worse, and honestly, I probably would’ve said some of them myself if I hadn’t been through it.
My hope with this post is to do one (or both) of two things:
- Help those of you going through this feel less alone and more seen.
- Gently guide those who haven’t experienced miscarriage or infertility to understand why certain phrases can be so painful, even when said with love. Most people truly just want to help — so let’s talk about how we can do that in a way that actually supports people.
“It just wasn’t the right time.”
Miscarriage is a real and heartbreaking loss. Comments like this can feel dismissive, like they’re brushing off the deep grief and hope we had. Many of us have carefully planned and longed for this moment, and when someone says it “wasn’t the right time,” it can feel like they’re invalidating the significance of what we’ve lost. While some find comfort in spiritual explanations, for others it just deepens the pain.
“You need to take the pressure off. Just relax and go on holiday!”
I get it — it’s meant to lighten the mood. But when you’re in the thick of the heartbreak and trauma, that’s just not possible. You can’t simply flip a switch and “relax.” It can feel like someone is telling you your pain isn’t valid or that you’re somehow doing this to yourself.
“Have you looked into surrogacy?”
For many of us, the dream is to carry our own baby. Or maybe surrogacy isn’t financially or emotionally possible. Chances are, we’ve already thought about every other option, and we’re just not there yet. It’s not as simple as ticking another box on a list.
“Everything happens for a reason.”
I actually do believe this, but trust me — when someone is in the middle of this grief, it’s the last thing they want to hear. They’re not ready to see the “lesson” yet, and that’s okay.
“At least you already have one child.”
This one stings the most. It assumes that losing another pregnancy is somehow less painful if you already have a child, and it’s just not true.
“Have you tried x, y, z?”
I know people want to help, and suggestions often come from a good place. But in these moments, advice isn’t always what we need. Unless she asks, it’s better to just be there for her.
“Maybe you should stop trying for a while.”
For many of us, becoming a parent is the biggest goal in our lives. It’s not as simple as “just stop for a while.” The clock is ticking, and telling someone to stop trying can feel like you’re telling them to give up on their dreams.
“Have you ever thought about adoption?”
Adoption is wonderful, but it’s a deeply personal choice. Chances are, she’s already considered it — and it’s not anyone else’s place to push it on her.
“Just relax and let things happen.”
Nope. Sorry. In these situations, “relaxing” is impossible. Being told to relax can actually make things feel worse.
The bottom line? Please don’t say these things to someone who’s grieving a miscarriage or struggling with infertility.
What do they need instead? Simple love, compassion, and acknowledgment.
💬 “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My thoughts and love are with you, and I’m here if you want to talk.”
That’s really it. Just holding space for their pain is what matters most.
